Thursday April 22, 2004

• I want to be pregnant, but I don’t want a baby.
• I want a baby.
• I don’t want a baby.
• I want a baby.
• I don’t want a baby.
• I want a house.
• We're so happy with the life we’ve built in Vancouver. Can we ever be content again in the Maritimes?

Last night at the grocery store I lurked in the pregnancy magazines. It’s a little embarrassing, this secret stash of stuff. The cocoa butter stretch mark stick, the maternity yoga tops, the copies of FitPregnancy literally hidden under the mattress. How original. And of course, the moment Jus is gone for a day of work on the weekend, I am going straight to Save-On, buying the lot, and coming home to my slippers, the cat, a huge pot of tea and croq-mes-dames.

Monday April 26, 2004

This is weird. After many years on the pill and only a couple of months off, I have no idea what my cycle is. If I'm average, I should have restarted Friday of last week. On Friday night we went to a movie and mid-way through, I felt nauseous and had to leave for a minute for some air. I never feel like that.

This is silly. I’m sure it’s just paranoia and everything is normal.

I am such a dork. I’m sitting here at my desk, completely freaked, yet I just went onto preconception.com and calculated a due date if Gambier sticks - it said between December 31 and January 2.

This is insane.

Silly silly Kate. Fifty bucks says I’ll be back to normal by the end of today.

Later this day, 4:10 PM. My imagination is working over time. There’s such a slim chance. I’m probably just late due to stress. Maybe my body rhythms are just totally off kilter.

No way I'm pregnant.

Tuesday April 27, 2004, 9:30 AM

Still no change. At this point - four days late - it's most likely not bad math.

I’m not sure what to do.. what’s reasonable, and what’s irrational. Should I go to the drugstore right now and get a pregnancy test? Is that premature? Maybe tomorrow would be more sensible. That would make me a good five and a half days late. But then, why wait when I can resolve any uncertainty right now?

It’s 9:45 AM now. The drugstore is about a 10 minute walk away. Can go now and be back in time for a 10:30 meeting...?

I’m stalling now. This is a very strange experience. There is a chance that I could go right now and get some news that will change our lives forever. That said, this endless speculation is driving me crazy. Perhaps it is sensible to just put the matter to rest. Off I go.

10:27 AM. I have an even bigger secret now. How will I tell him? This is an interesting moment. It’s just me and a little grain of rice.

11:03 AM. I checked again and the little line is still there. I had to go into a meeting knowing this secret, just having come out of a bathroom stall with a little plus sign on the stick. I felt like it was flashing in neon on my forehead.

I guess this means no more croissant sandwiches. And no more beer. Here’s what the pregnancy website tells me, assuming it sticks. I can't believe this is real. I’m terrified, but I can’t stop giggling:

Day Number 33 / 4 weeks (gestational age 19 days/2 weeks) / 247 days remaining

3:11 PM. I don’t know if I’ll really believe it until a doctor tells me so.

Wednesday April 28, 2004

As soon as Justin got in the door I started crying, which I hadn't expected. I pulled him over to my bag and said ‘Look in there! There’s something in there!’ He was confused but as soon as he saw the end of the test stick he reacted just the same as I did – lots of laughter and disbelief and speechlessness. It’s not real to either of us yet, I think. It happened so fast.

We went to the pub for supper and he couldn’t stop staring at me, trying to process this news. It’s a neat feeling. We spent the whole meal holding hands under the table.

Thursday April 29, 2004

We had a lovely moment today. Justin stayed home from work and came with me to the doctor. She brought him in the room and said, “You’re going to be a dad!” We’re both so excited to tell the family.

Monday June 7, 2004 (almost 11 weeks)

I’m feeling great so far, to the point where I don’t feel pregnant at all. The only symptom I have right now is terrible skin, some light-headedness and some tiredness. Only a week and a half to go before we’re in the clear. That will be a relief.

I started a very vigorous power yoga class, three times a week. Feels good. I can’t wait to be bigger and be doing yoga. That will just feel so righteous!

Monday June 14, 2004

I am so tired today. It feels like every limb, head included, weighs about three hundred pounds. I just can’t continue to go to bed at midnight every night anymore.

It could be pregnancy, or anxiety or both, but I’m incredibly cranky. Everything around me pisses me off. I’ve got zero patience. Taking the bus is an exercise in … well, nothing, since I usually end up glowering at some rank smoker or some dirty wino who sits down on top of me.

I am excited to be pregnant, but not particularly excited to have this massive change in our lives. I worry about my reaction – will it be right? Will I feel that unconditional love that will give me patience? Or will I disappear? Will I be a cranky, negative, non-validating sort of mother who snaps at her kids? Will I have unrealistic expectations as to how these kids will behave, given consistency and ritual? Will I ever possibly have enough energy?

I am so tired.

Monday June 21, 2004

We heard the heartbeat this morning. It was pretty exciting. The first confirmation that there really is a little baby in there, growing. It’s got a good strong heartbeat just like daddy.

It made me feel the first slight surge of love for this kid – like there is a promise we’ve made without speaking it.

Friday June 25, 2004

Ugh. I can’t think of any girl names. I can think of about ten boy names. But every girl name I think of feels too cute-sy, too prissy or too modern.

Wednesday July 7, 2004

I know I’m always bellyaching about being tired, but woah. Justin left yesterday for two weeks of work with the coast guard, and I always sleep terribly when he’s gone. I’m not whatsoever interested in cooking or eating. And my skin! Ugh. Where’s that second trimester glow I’ve heard so much about? I look like a teenage fry cook.

That said, I still feel great, and very blessed that my pregnancy so far has been so uneventful. I am still very much looking forward to The Belly.

Friday July 16, 2004

People at work are starting to do curious double-takes at my midsection, but it's too early to be telling the world. Yesterday a co-worker actually came out and asked me if I'm pregnant, and she was mortified when I had to say no.

Monday July 19, 2004

I almost fainted on the weekend.

Standing in a checkout line with my arms full, I didn’t have the strength to hold on to the stuff I was buying. I managed to make it to starbucks where it was cool, and bought a smoothie for blood sugar. It revived me enough to get home where I spent the rest of the day on the couch, drifting in and out of sleep.

Later today. Anxiety lurks.

Was reading a blog written by a bongo-playing, patchouli-dousing, self-proclaimed radical feminist who miscarried her first pregnancy at almost 18 weeks. Pretty awful. Then she got pregnant again, and had her daughter under what she describes as 'horrific' hospital circumstances during which she felt bullied and violated.. a complete nightmare. Her next goal in life is to have her next child by herself in a cabin in the woods with no help whatsoever, some sort of finding-her-inner-goddess experience.

That's one extreme end of the birth philosophy spectrum, which is full of frightening tales of rigid hospital policies, impatient, insensitive doctors and a slippery slope of intervention. The other end of the spectrum though, involving an almost complete trust in the medical establishment, can be just as persuasive. This is where you read about how drugs are a virtual godsend that 85% of women will need and appreciate, that a c-section is no big deal at all, and that anyone who ends up having a natural birth in a hospital only did so because it happened too fast for anyone to administer some kind of intervention (and what a shame for them that they ended up having to go through it without help).

Best way to work up anxiety about birth? Read the blogs of disappointed women who had their hearts set on having their birth go a certain way. Especially traumatized seem to be those who intended to go all-natural, but ended up having medical intervention.

I see no point in worrying about this pregnancy, which I have virtually no ability to control beyond eating lots of greens and fruit, doing yoga and drinking water. I see labour in the same way - it will be an inevitable loss of control that will require me to be more adaptable and more flexible than I ever have been in any other moment in life.

I want to ask the right questions and find a doctor that I can trust, but there’s no way I’m going to presume I know more about labour and delivery than someone who does it for a living. I do want to be an active participant, rather than having birth just happen to me without understanding the medical decisions made on my or the baby's behalf. But just because I want to be informed and hope for as little intervention as possible, that doesn't qualify me to tell birth professionals how my labour will or will not be handled in that moment. I've never been to a birth before, and the nurses and doctors have been to hundreds. Although I need to ask lots of questions and have a birth plan, I need to trust in their experience and go with the flow.

If there is one thing I think must be true when it comes to this experience, it is not to bank on absolutes. Like that doctors don’t care. Or that homebirths are the ideal. C-sections are more dangerous. C-sections are safer. Pain is empowering. Pain is terrible. You should refuse drugs. You should celebrate drugs. I don’t want to cultivate any notions or expectations either way. I want to be informed, but not obstinate. Women who get obstinate seem to be the ones who are most traumatized, and I don’t want that to be me.

I have to remember that baby shares my experiences. I need to stay calm and happy. I need to listen to good music, dance around the apartment with kitty, get lots of fresh air and take it easy when I need to. For my own sake as much as for the baby’s, I should do whatever I can to refrain from getting tied up in knots in traffic.

Monday July 26, 2004

I can feel the baby now, like a fish bumping up against the side of a plastic bag.

Still no weight gain, but my belly is popping. Halfway through week 17, there isn’t much left that fits. But it feels good to be full. Other women and their flat bellies just seem like empty vessels, and being pregnant makes me feel so productive. And blessed – I still feel good, although my skin is still terrible and I have the odd day of dizziness and lightheadedness.

Tuesday July 27, 2004

Only three days left in the office after today. Almost time to leave Vancouver, drive from the far west to the far east, for good. What will I miss of office life?

• Being expected somewhere
• Wearing lovely tiny shoes
• Unexpectedly expensed lunches
• Being able to say, “I’m a <insert career distinction here>.”
• Being involved in particularly great, inspiring meetings or projects
• Spending a morning producing good content that surprises people
• Being able to complain about working (strange but true)

I’m sure once I get settled into motherhood – the pie-baking, wood-chopping, rosy-cheeked daydreams of my office life for many years now – I’ll yearn romantically for the opposite.

… Or will I?

Saturday July 31, 2004

Finally, that moment we imagined for so long happened this morning. We drove over the Second Narrows Bridge for the last time, leaving the north shore, its mountains and this life behind us. I cried until we hit the tunnel. 6,000 kilometres to go.

We had the ultrasound on Friday morning. Spectacular! We 'met' our little baby, who gave us a thumbs-up, sucked its thumb, swallowed and made the technician literally chase him around my belly. Quick little guy! Likes to fidget. He showed off his legs, long and strong and inherited from his dad. Runner's legs... we tend to call him a 'him', but not from any particular sense that we're having a boy. We want that to be a surprise. Somehow though, 'he' feels better than 'it'.

I feel like the love affair starts now. A little person, growing. A part of each of us.

Wednesday August 11, 2004

We're home now in Nova Scotia. The drive was long and uneventful, except perhaps for the suicidal vole who leapt into our campfire in Pancake Bay, Ontario (!), and the frustration of having to drive through Montreal.

On our way into northern Ontario, we got some alarming news from the ultrasound. Turns out there are two cysts on the brain and some kind of anomaly on the heart. We were told not to worry, that most babies grow out of these kinds of issues, but to get home as soon as possible for specialized diagnostics. We were concerned - naturally you'd rather hear that you're clear. But there wasn't much point in worrying. There was nothing we could do but keep driving, and get home as soon as we could.

Tuesday August 17, 2004

We finally got in to the Grace for the specialized ultrasound yesterday.

Once again, it was amazing to spend time with baby. What a miracle ultrasounds are, to see the four chambers of a pea-sized heart beating on a tv-sized screen. The baby looks to be normal and healthy, thank goodness. The only thing we seem to know for sure right now is that ultrasound technology and resolution has apparently advanced beyond doctors' ability to diagnose - so they often cause more worry than they're worth.

On another note, both Justin and I thought we saw a little hammer! Baby was caught from the bottom up while the technician was measuring those lovely long femurs, and it was pretty unmistakable and definitely not the umbilical cord. But we're happy no matter what. But it's an interesting transition to start thinking of more than just the pregnant belly, and to start anticipating a little person.

Wednesday September 8, 2004

23 ½ weeks pregnant.

We are joining the cult.

Lately, I get depressed around babies. I don’t think they’re particularly interesting. People get stupid around babies. They stop interacting with each other. A circle of ten adults will go silent, staring at a baby like it’s the first one ever invented, working themselves into a frenzy over every unintentional gurgle, screwed-up face or bubble of drool.

All evidence I’ve seen points to my seemingly irrational fear that as soon as you have a kid, you are consumed to the point where you drop off the face of the earth. Maybe not such an irrational fear after all. Most of the time, I'm not so sure I want that kind of vacuum in our life. Being almost 6 months pregnant, that feeling doesn’t sit too well, but it's just how I feel sometimes.

After December 31, or whenever baby decides to make his entrance, our lives will never be the same. We’re going to be swallowed up. I’ll feel quite enough obligation and inescapable attachment to my own baby, to the point where I can't bring myself to feign interest in other people's babies now.

No offense meant to the babies or parents in question - it's all my own issues. We don’t have much time of our own left before we'll have to share our lives with a baby and become its dumbstruck followers like the countless others before us.

A lot of the time, parenthood just doesn't look like much fun.

Sometimes, all I can see is the exhaustion, the colic, the supermarket screaming fits and temper tantrums, the mess and chaos, the constant refereeing.

Those moments have always made us positively skip away with joy that it's not us and that we're kid-free. But now here we are, tied to the train tracks. The life we’ve lived (and loved) for the past ten years is ending, and sometimes, I can’t help but feel like we’re being robbed. Our true selves are going to be sucked out of our bodies and taken to some kind of purgatory that may or may not end once junior goes to university.

I guess I just have to have faith. I'm sure that we'll react appropriately and think that every stinky diaper our little one produces is filled with solid gold and worthy of a national news report.

All that said, I do love being pregnant.

Thursday September 9, 2004

I guess that would be one of the ‘downs’ associated with emotional ups and downs. It’s just how I feel sometimes. Usually the quickest way to relieve this kind of stress is to take a nice, deep kid-bliss hit from the nearest BabyGap store or ad campaign. Just kidding. No I'm not. Yes I am.

Monday September 13, 2004

Four more months and we will be three.