Being the completely distrusting person I am, I have trouble buying it.Tied it with my revulsion at someone basically stealing your LIFE-yeah, you're most definitely a better person than I.

Kate, that I found your blog through this plagiarist's illness, is a gift. You are wise beyond your years, and I've just spent the last hour reading and grieving with you over the loss of Liam. Your words cut right to my soul. You are truly gifted. Noone can take that from you.

Just even more bizarre than possible. Makes me want to curl inward and away from the expanse that is the internetz. oy.

You are kind person for forgiving whoever this troubled individual is but seriously, I am not sure if this could get much odder. And it still makes angry that he/she would steal something so personal and painful. That is troubling.

Like Sharon, I found you through this crazy debacle (sent over by Sweet Juniper). I just want to say thank you for sharing your experience. You prose is beautiful and I think that the good it does your soul and the souls of anyone who reads it is far too important to let this incident cast too dark of a shadow on you and your writing.

You have a good heart for finding forgiveness.

On a lighter note, in response to your 8/28/06 post, my patootie isn't the same since my daughter was born.

I'm sure you've heard a ton already on the topic of what happened with your blog (and I think I emailed you my thoughts as well), so I'll speak to the end of your post.

I actually did smother what I needed for 36 years. I won't bore you with the details, but being raised by parents who didn't know how to show their emotions (and having no memory of ever having been told, "I love you," by my parents, or having been hugged, etc.) can mess you up a titch. It resulted in a hospitalization and a couple weeks in a psych hospital earlier this year.

So coming out of that, I started my blog. I know what will happen if I smother what I need; the memory of that experience will always serve as a reminder. I haven't yet had any negative backlash from being honest for the first time in my life; but that might yet come. But I've learned that it's not as scary as I was afraid it would be, and that if it keeps me healthy and sane, it's worth any potential negative reaction from readers.

I traded my whole sense of subjectivity just to know everything.

I was beaten by a boyfriend for 3 years. I met him when I was 21, and didn't know how to get out. To say that during this period my needs were smothered . . .is like, yeah, no kidding. In the perverse logic of the beaten woman, I'd say that to stay in the relationship would have been easier than to leave. But I left. And what I learned . . . could fill a bookshelf. In summation, I guess you could say that I learned my worth.

I still have to remind myself sometimes that I am in charge of my own life and what happens to me.

Amazing story. Forgiveness is freedom and you obviously understand that.
I always find live is as strange as fiction and I like your writing.

http://themillikentwins.blogspot.com/

Kudos to you for putting it to rest. It is a shocking tale, to say the least.

Hmm smothered. I would say the need to tell my parents I liked women....I knew honesty was the only way to live my life. I don't regret the decision and would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Hoping for a peaceful end of all of this for you. You are kind and wise to give the wounded and sad person behind this terrible thing space to heal. I hope she takes it and does good things with it.

Google is a wonderful thing, kate. LOL What did we do before Google? :)

Hmmff. Lets not give the attention-seeker (Nicky) anymore reinforcement. She may morph into pity hungry black hole.

What Julia said was great and nice and I agree too.

Clearly this person needs help, and I hope that she is able to find it now. And I hope no well-meaning trolls track her down and torture her any further.

That being said, I'm glad beyond words that you stood up for yourself, your space, and your writing. I think you handled the whole (admittedly bizarre) situation with your usual grace and fairness.

What Hannah said.

And while the fraudster in question turned out to (we think) a hetero woman, I must say that in the many, many comments on the initial post, I found no condemnation of gay men, gay parents, or of gay folks in general. How delightfully refreshing. That speaks worlds about Kate and the community she has created here. My thanks.

I am glad you let us know what had happened -- a good lesson for all of us. And, what Julia & Hannah said about how you have handled it.

I neglected to include my own post on Kate's situation in my previous comment.

Well...look at the bright side--it's bringing you new readers (like me!) who would never have known about you if it wasn't for crazy stuff like this!

I'll tell you what. I like your blog so much I've already favorited it and I'm actively working on reading your posts! You're incredible!

Those questions are good ones. I am still stuck on what just happened to you. "Grace" and "strength" are words sticking in my head right now that define you.

Having learned about you over the last year, I'm not a bit surprised by this newest post you've written. You continue to inspire me to be a better person. Living, loving, learning...forgiving.

I knew someone who was a pathological liar, and I think the person who plagiarized your blog is probably suffering from this type of illness (mythomania). They are unable to form proper self-knowledge; and so in order to feel alive they create images that 'bring them to life' in other peoples eyes. They often want to be found out, as Father Tony suggested in his post, because they have lost themselves.
This is by no means an excuse, rather a possible explanation.
I am very sorry you had to go through this experience and agree with everyone above, you have handled this so gracefully.

count me into those who discovered you thru this whole...whatever you want to call it.

and i echo others sentiments on your writing. and your photography? wow.

that is what i am taking away as the silver lining...an internet introduction to a very talented person: you. i'm sorry you had to go thru that other bullshit.

well, it helps to know that there is some disclosure here, to know how this happened. i think it must be so terrible to live such a life of disconnect.

when i really started writing my blog, it was post-partum. monthly letters to the boys to try and capture something of that time. i was floundering and it felt like taking a breath before going under, those posts. when i read back now it is does not seem like i always captured what i really wanted to say, whether i was writing to them or myself.

i have always admired the truth of your words, the ring of truth that sounds out in your sentences, your descriptions, your writing. it is something to aspire to, to convey as you do what is really going on.

and your ability to ask for peace for her. well. that just verifies everything i thought of you from all i have previously read here.

I'm so terrible at knowing when to make a big deal out of things and when to let them go. I feel like I always choose the wrong things to get all worked up over. And too many times when I should have stood up for myself, I was silent.
But I have absolutely no doubt about your right to defend your words. Having someone else use your writing to suck you into their weird life is so unfair. You are allowed to extricate yourself however you choose fit.
I hope I am getting closer to learning when to let go, and when to stand and fight - although I think it's a lesson I'll be working on for the rest of my life. Thank you for the reminder.

I agree with all of the above who note your grace in this instance. You have been remarkably understanding and a model for us all.

Hi Kate,

Found your blog through Sweet Juniper.

In 2005 we lost a girl to TTTS, and had to go through a lengthy and stessful stay at the NICU with the other one. You know the drill.

I don't know you, and everyone's different, but I promise it will get a lot better, the pain will subside, and as your son Ben thrives and grows you will all heal together.

I get a pang, a longing, whenever I see toddler twin girls. My daughter is so funny and loving that I know exactly what I'm missing. But it doesn't hurt anymore.

I wish your family happiness, peace and health (and please forgive my awfull spelling, English is not my first language and I do not live in the US).

Hmm. There are things I still don't buy, and those make me unhappy to think that you might still be being lied to.
BUT!

This is you, not me...your words and your grace, not mine, and your sense of fair play and forgiveness.

I'm glad you're in my blogging community, Kate.

I will admit there is good that I found you through Cooper/nikki's lies. And I am happy about that. But the fact that it is a wake up call for all of us and it should be.

Being a lesbian,(or gay) a lot of us don't get a chance to live the life of who we are. We spend our childhood being what eveyone else wants us to be. We try to "fit" in. Now life for us in the real world is getting a lot easier. But I know the blog world we can be who we are and not worry about gay bashing, (well it can happen but I have the power to delete the comments) We dont have the power to stop the verbal abuse, unless we pretend to be who we are not.

Now don't get me wrong. This stuff rarely happens in the real world anymore. But it still happens. So there are some of us who pretend to be who we are not just so society can move past us.

That doesnt make it right to deceive people. Life for the next generation of gays gets easier and so on. So one day we will never have to hide.

what did it teach me?
it taught me to fly.
thank you for your love and light.
~namaste~

I also found you thanks to this mess,sent here by Sweet Juniper who I found thanks to Dooce. My internet world just exploded right open.

I'm especially feeling for the gay blogging community. I've been through a similar betrayal from a compulsive liar and it drove me away from the internet for a long time. I hope that everyone involved can pull together a little tighter and not abandon these wonderful communities we have.

My son was born in February at 28 weeks. It was sudden and terrifying. We both came very close to death. He struggled in the NICU for his entire last trimester and came home on oxygen and medications and followup appointments while I'm still new to the area and more or less on my own.
I read some of your archives and had to stop until I could collect myself. I was weeping and holding my little boy so tight, so grateful that we made it through, so terrified at how close we came, so very mindful of how tenuous it all is. And shocked at how present in those moments your writing made me feel.

dang you are a good person, i still have trouble letting go of my own resentment and anger. i have much to learn from you. i also want to ditto what Hannah said.

i'm not sure we all know who we actually are...though most of us have an easier time with the obvious categorizations than the Nicky/Jo persona claims to have had, and i sympathize with that, in theory. in theory, b/c the deflection response of her terrible struggles never really got around to owning that it was unnecessary to STEAL your posts and pix in order to create a voice for her alternate self. needing to be someone else? cool. plagiarizing someone's most personal words? it may be the sincerest form of flattery, but i don't think it matters if you're dying of cancer and always thought you were secretly a hippopotamus, it's still no excuse. two separate things. so pity and judgement can co-exist, IMO...but they are not for the same aspects of the person behind the plagiarism.

moot anyway, i realize. the bell has rung and i have said my piece.

just let me close with the fact that despite having sat with you in person and heard you laugh and held your children, even if i found out tomorrow that you were a gay firefighting father of seventeen, i'd still feel like i knew you, through your words. and THAT'S where Nicky went wrong...there's no shame in being whoever s/he is. it was pretending that those words and thoughts were hers (or his) that is wrong.

bon: that is the part i did not (and *still* do not) get. i can buy into the gender identity problem, but why did s/he have to steal words and photos, too?

at first when reading this whole fiasco, i thought i had never visited his/her site(s). but now i think i did, and somewhat remember thinking, "there is no way a guy wrote this stuff. no matter how in touch with his sensitive side he is."

Gender identity and oppression are completely tangential to theft and plagarism. My best friend in the world was born a woman in a man's body. She is absolutely socratic in her sense of honesty with herself and with others. So I call foul, regardless. And apologies from a stranger are last weeks leftovers wrapped in a pretty bow.

I must be slow, cause I am still confused.

Why are so many so quick to reel so totally in the opposite direction... from anger and "creeped-outedness" to sorrow, pity, pleas for forgiveness and understanding for this "troubled soul". This person has been weaving a blanket of lies for years. Um, is it just me who thinks this new truth is just another big fat lie? Is it possible that there is some Nicky Cooper Nicholas Dominick person sitting in front of their computer, with a Big Gulp and a bag of Cheetos, laughing hysterically at the uproar she/he/it/THEY have caused?

I dunno. This all scares me.
S'cuse me, off to make my very new blog very private.

Kate, I love your writing. If you really are a Kate. Well, whoever you are...I do enjoy you.

For finally learning who's writing it was I truly treasured, I'm grateful. I'll give "Nicky" my forgiveness and sympathy...but only those two words.

It's time to move on, and get better acquainted with your incredible blog. I'm glad to have found you.

Wow, you couldn't make all this stuff up. Here's hoping this really is the end of it and this person, whoever they are, can make peace with themself.

Oh when did the internet get so big that things like this could happen undetected for so long? (and when did there start being so many other people with my name leaving comments?). I hope this hasn't violated this space for you, because it's your honesty that draws us all here. If it was fictional, it would not be the same.

I think it starts with being loved for who you actually are when you're a baby/child. If that doesn't happen, I honestly don't know how you could start going about living it. Something to do with a strong personality maybe.

weird. just weird.

As for the last part of the post:
It would have been easier not to get involved with my husband when we met. You see, he is a professor at the University I was attending. We worked in the same dept - I was a part-timer. It would have been easier to just push those feelings aside and never admitted them and never caused the chaos that ensued. But would it have been? As hard as that was, with the talk and leaving behind certain things to be with him, this, THIS LIFE, is the best life I could ever imagine for myself. I belong with him.

As hard as it is sometimes to be honest with/about yourself with others, it is harder to keep it a secret ... why didn't she just tell the truth? Why did she steal from you? How sad. I think you reacted correctly - I probably would've done the same.

Compassion is always the best path, though it's sometimes hard to find. I admire your decision.

(And just so you know, I'm another new subscriber who found you from Sweet Juniper because of this whole thing. If that helps.)

I, as one of many, am glad you unleashed the shitstorm Kate. The man/woman deserved it for deceiving people for so long. It was cruel making people care for him/her and his/her children when they didn't even exist. You rock on, sista...

As for living as the person I actually am? I dunno...it's hard to pick just one...

incredibly well done, Kate. You managed to stand up for your self and your space while maintaining your usual aplomb and perspective. I'm so impressed with how you handled this entire episode.

Kate, you wrote: Why are so many so quick to reel so totally in the opposite direction... from anger and "creeped-outedness" to sorrow, pity, pleas for forgiveness and understanding for this "troubled soul"?

Yeah, it's entirely possible that the new story told by the imaginary 'Nicky' is a complete lie. But I don't really care. There's not much point in continuing to demonize this person - what s/he did was wrong, and I'm with Bon. The pathological lying and plagiarism is separate from the alleged gender identify issue.

I'm still creeped out and angry, don't get me wrong. But there's more now that I both know and feel in addition to that creeped-outedness.

Even on the basis of just the plagiarism, wouldn't you agree that the perpetrator is in crisis, is pathetic, is possibly deluded at best and mentally/emotionally ill at worst?

All I can do is back away, be grateful for stability. Because s/he doesn't have it.

The shitstorm was very much deserved, and I think that you're a perfectly lovely person.

This isn't anything new, this stealing of content. I've been blogging since last century and have seen so much of it that you are absolutely right in the acquiring of good googling super-powers. I think the problem this time is that it was this blog, it was you and your boys. Most blogs have loyal readers, but what you were sharing here was unique and special. We see Evan's charm and Ben's strength and Liam's light and this time, this theft of what you so generously shared with us, is just so not ok. Cooper/Nicky - stable or not, gender confused or not - stole not just ordinary blog posts to pass them off as ordinary blog posts, but blog posts that were meaningful and touching and made them into something else entirely. That is what makes this instance so terribly jarring and maddening (for me, anyways). I've been here since before the twins were born and it's a sacred, sacred place; made all the more sacred by your own grace, Kate.

Wowwwwww. I'm SO glad I was in a conference all week and returned to your blog to find not only your intial story but the (partial) resolution. My hackles were most definitely raised by your initial post on the subject but immediately calmed by the follow-up. I'm grateful to have been thusly relieved of the outrage I'd have carried for a couple of days while this worked itself out.

I have been mesmerized by your story and the beautiful honest prose you have used to tell it. I'm deeply sorry that there is someone out there so sick as to feel no compunction about dishonoring it by lifting it for their own glorification.

I'm glad you're able to put this behind you and wish the best for the perpetrator. Will do the same.

Dear Kate,
We are so proud of you, so very proud. With all you and Justin, Evan and Ben have been through this last year and now this we are here by your side. Liam would be so proud of his Mama, as we know Evan,Ben and Justin are. We know who you are, we know what you write comes from your heart, this is who you are.
To everyone who has commented and supported you, we thank from the bottom of our hearts. Liam will be remebered, regardless.
love and <<<<<hugs>>>>>
Mom and Dad

I found your blog, like many others, because of the Cooper's Corridor issue. You have a lovely heart. I'm sorry you had to experience the theft of your words but it has given us all the opportunity to meet you which I am thankful for. I have also lost a child and have yet to write about it. Maybe I can now. Thank you. And truly you are way too nice.

I followed my husband's advice, quit my job and went back to school to become a sign language interpreter. I had given up on that dream for 11 years, but finally realized that I am an interpreter and have always been. It was just a matter of learning a second language and letting that side of my brain thrive and earn some money for me instead of sitting in an office all day trying to explain to one group of grumpy people what the other group of grumpy people *really* meant when they said X,Y and Z. I learned that whatever it is that you are, you spend your day doing it, even if it's not what you're paid for -- so why not be paid for it?

Later I learned that what makes my brain happy can sit on hold for awhile if that's what is best for my kids. I don't need to be intellectually satisfied every single day in order to feel intellectually satisfied on the whole. Blogs like yours are fantastic ways to keep me thinking. ;-) Ending your post with a little brain work for us is another gift you gave today.