What I want to know, is how you stay true to your loss babies, when your live babies keep growing up, and everyone seems to convienantly forget you even had a lost baby. I have two beautiful healthy children and don't even speak on my own blog about my lost baby because my family reads there and I've allowed them to make me feel uncomfortable talking about the baby.

Another thing, I feel all guilty no matter what I do, if I talk about the baby does it look like to my living children that I'm not happy with them and always longing for what should have been? But if I don't talk about the baby, then what does the baby think, that he wasn't wanted, and it's good he's gone?

Thank you I appreciate your time and consideration.

Sara, wow. Thank you. What a worthy question. Are you with us over at Glow in the Woods? Forgive me if I've missed you, if you are - I hope so.

My best childhood friend lost her first baby at 25 days. We met up again after a few years after her loss and have forged an amazing bond and now we are again best-friends. The topic of her loss came slowly and it comes into conversation every once in awhile. My question: Am I being supportive by just being her friend and being there when her emotions bubble up during the holidays and on the anniversary of his death? I want to be able to offer up all my hugs and love to her and I never know if I'm doing enough or the right way to support her. What are the best elements of a supportive friend and why?

No question really, just looking forward to another podcast with you.

I absolutely second Christine's question(s) and I look forward to listening in.

Kind of a question, kind of a comment:

First, your writing is truly lovely. I feel as though I know all three of your children through your beautiful words.

Second, in my closest dealings with this kind of a loss -- a close friend's friend (We'll call them Jane and Lisa, Jane was my friend, and Lisa, while my friend too, was much closer to Jane) lost her darling daughter after only a month. Jane and Lisa had been pregnant together and their daughters were due within weeks of one another. Jane gave birth to a healthy girl and then one week later, Lisa gave birth to a gorgeous girl with a really messed up liver. A month passed, and Lisa's daughter didn't survive. Jane's response -- and I'm sure that this wasn't the best one -- was to totally shut Lisa out, so fearful was she that her healthy daughter would only remind Lisa of how much she had lost. Lisa and I became much closer in that time, and I know how wounded she felt by Jane's backing off. So I guess my question -- how do friendships survive in these circumstances? My sense is that Jane needed to be more available to Lisa, but what ways would be most helpful? Hope this question makes sense...it just seems so crappy that not only does a woman face losing her beloved child, but also faces losing a beloved friendship...thanks.

i have been reading here for some time now and also reading at GITW. i wanted to know how you feel about your readers that are not babylost mamas but feel so powerfully for you and the others who contribute. i sometimes leave comments and then wonder if they help or hurt or just are there. is it okay with you mama writers' that we follow this journey though we are not on the same path? i always kinda' wondered.

Christine, another great question. The bunch of us at glow in the woods just wrote a collaborative article answering your question. It’s here:
http://www.glowinthewoods.com/how-to-help-a-friend/

That said, we’ll also be chatting about this during the podcast, so thanks for the reminder. Your friend is lucky to have you, even just because you know to ask.

And Beth, too – what a predicament to witness… a common one. We’ll get to that as well. Your instinct is probably correct, especially if you saw Lisa feeling shut out.

Mamie, I’m so glad you brought that up. I’m long overdue for a bit of a housekeeping post at GITW – one of the big points I need to make is that friends and family are welcome with open and grateful arms. Some very healing words we’ve had over there are from elsewhere, from those who just care, and who have questions or insight to add from other kinds of experiences. I’ll make sure to make that clear in my next post… thanks.

I second Mamie's question. I also read GITW & nervous to post there. My experiences with lost babies are not personal as I have not lost a pregnancy or baby. Several friends have lost much wanted pregnancies (two at or after 18w.) One friend also nearly lost her newborn after a much needed surgery. Reading here, at cribchronicles and GITW helps me understand some of what my friends have been through and helps me "stay in the room." Looking forward to the audio. :)

I will be listening - You gals are awesome.

I have been wondering - and meaning to ask - if you feel that this incredible community you've created is best suited to those who have lost their babies as babies. In other words, is your sense that the pain of losing an older child is inherently different in enough respects that it is therefore deserving of its own (cyber)space? Clearly (and thank god) you cannot answer entirely from experience, but you all had a vision when you created the site and I wonder if this was at all part of that vision.

I ask because one of the most touching blogs I read is written by a woman who lost her five-year-old last year and I've been hesitant to recommend you to each other because I simply didn't know. In keeping with other questions you've already received, it's not always easy to know how best to be a friend, and this applies to friends in the computer as well. I suppose that in the end all I'm asking is for you to add a little detail to your description of who you see when you say "babylost mamas."

Thanks Kate. Best of luck - it will be wonderful.

Karen - we did intend to have the glow community be for women who have lost babies as infants, only because we felt the needs of women who have lost older children are simply different. The same is true for women who have suffered miscarriages - again, it's just another unique audience, and we felt that if we explicitly try to be all things to all bereaved mamas, we would dilute ourselves somehow, our purpose being too broad.

That said, all those mamas are welcome with us, and we'd be honoured if they found healing words among this community. I also read some blogs of women who have lost children, and I've found them immensely beautiful and relevant... I think much of what we explore on glow in the woods would make sense for a larger group.

Please don't hesitate to pass along anyone and anything you feel might be healing. I've always been grateful for people who simply say how they feel, even at the risk of saying what they may preceive as 'the wrong thing', or at the risk of feeling uncomfortable. Momentary awkwardness is always better than silence - and most often, you're not as awkward as you feel.

I will be listening in, if I can.

My concern is almost identical to Sara's - it's been almost 6 years since William died and I worry that as more time goes by he will be rememberd less and less. How can I keep his memory alive without "bringing everyone else down" (as someone once said to me)? Many times, as soon as I mention his name, people get that awkward look on their faces and the subject gets changed pretty fast.

Our two other children are vibrant, healthy, self-assured boys who has no trouble shouting "look at me"...I feel that my role as Mommy is to shout "remember me" for the little boy who never got to say "look at me".

Thanks for everything you do here and at Glow In The Woods.

Denise

kate,
I have been wanting to ask you something. You have, no doubt, readers and friends who may be having babies or are pregnant. You wrote before about "shadow babies". Does it make you uncomfortable when women share the birth of their little one? How do we, the women having new babies, share this without making the babylost mamas uncomfortable or sad? Is it cruel of us to want to share our news?
I ask because I had my little girl, and I have wanted to tell you and send you a picture but I have felt very unsure about how it might make you feel, being around the boys birthday and all.
I completely know that my little miscarriage is nothing compared to what many of you have gone through, losing an infant. But it turned my heart black when it happened. Your words always gave me comfort and hope and validation for feeling so crazy. Thank you for that. You have a place in my heart and to not share feels like a void. There is more I would like to say, but maybe I should leave it for another time, maybe an email.

Good luck tonight.

Tanya

My lost baby was our first, and it was 37 years ago this October. He died half an hour after birth. And the pain never goes away. Ever.
My ongoing problem over the years has been in the awful feeling of denying his existence - ie when people ask - how many children do you have - Do I answer four living, one died. And see their embarrassment, or do I say just four children and in doing so deny that he was ever part of us.
I have lost count of how many times I have had to make this decision. And it has never become any easier.

Sorry I am unable to listen to your braodcast.

Thank you for the blogtalkradio archive. It was great to listen to you, and I think of you often.

anonymous, I hear you. I think I'll always feel that way too.I am sorry about your firstborn... I can imagine I'll always hesitate, too.

In case you would like to listen, you still can.. it just won't be live.

Dang, I missed it. That's what I get for not checking in on your blog in a few days. Sigh. I'll listen to the archive. I'm sure it was great and that you were very articulate and caring. I also haven't been over to GITW for awhile, and will go check it out.

Kate, it's so good that you are being so open and candid about this loss. I hope it's both cathartic for you and for those who listen. I look forward to listening in the archives.

Just thought this might be something someone else might enjoy in a way that I have....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKyZK_m3scE&feature=related

I enjoyed the show, thank you.

I don't know if you're a scrapbooker, but Ali Edwards mentioned you on her blog today! http://aliedwards.typepad.com/_a_/2008/05/thinking-about.html

I found my way here via Ali Edwards' post about you. I had not idea what I would find here. Once I was here, I had to know your story. I have read most of the past year, mostly with my hand at my throat and the word NO screaming in my head. But I wanted you to know that I was here and I heard you. I was deeply moved by you and your words. And I hope that if I take a little piece of your grief with me that it lightens the load just a little. Wouldn't it be perfect if each person who came and read took a tiny little bit of the pain away until one day you noticed the difference? I can wish, right?

how exciting!
i'll go look for the podcast :)

(i write + think better on the computer too)