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ten months to the day

For sale, cheap: One 3 year-old boy, not housebroken. Special this week only: 25% off due to argumentative defects. Does not come when called. Talks back. Does not eat. Refuses to blow nose, preferring instead to snort snot into the back of his throat at least fifteen times per minute. Smells like crotch. Whines incessantly. Ability to vomit at will.

Also this week: 75% off one worn out, ineffective, unwashed, self-loathing, androgynous half-woman, half-rottweiler blend. Comes with door-slamming prowess, relentless abdominal pooch and complimentary nightmares.

+++++++

PLEASE BE NOTIFIED the fire sale of aformentioned small boy and growling she-dog has been retracted due to temporary relief as provided by: 1) one medicinal ‘It-Was-Staring-At-Me-Longingly-When-I-Opened-The-Fridge- Seeking-Carrot-Sticks’ Sleeman’s Honey Lager; 2) two hours of comfortably toddler-numbing SellMySoul-o-vision; and 3) one hour-long “family adventure” on sheets of near-rink ice in a torrential freezing rain downpour.

Duly noted: therapeutic alcohol WORKS.

 

Posted on Wednesday, March 5, 2008 by Registered Commentersweetsalty kate in | Comments66 Comments

Reader Comments (66)

I know I shouldn't be laughing but I can't help it. It's the sympathetic cackling of the similarly-damned, however.

Mine is also not housebroken, and also smells like crotch. All the time. No matter how often I wash him. And never stops talking. Ever.

Pray for me.
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHannah
ah dude, with that kinda sales magic, you really had me, i was in.

and then i realized i already have both models, except the shorter one can't even talk, just talks back in screeches.

so, um...sending only love.
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBon
I already have two girl versions, complete with nose picking and "hey! that was MINE!" races....

sucks though...if only the sun would come out...
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterthordora
Oh Kate, I think all moms have written that ad at one time or another. Except mine were just "free to good home." Now they are a little older and smell more like armpit than crotch, do you want to trade?Good thing they're cute when they're asleep.
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSuzanne
The first thing I thought of was Shel Silverstein:

For Sale

One sister for sale!One sister for sale!One crying and spying young sister for sale!I'm really not kidding,So who'll start the bidding?Do I hear a dollar?A nickel?A penny?Oh, isn't there, isn't there, isn't there anyOne kid who will buy this old sister for sale,This crying and spying young sister for sale?







Didn't you know kids jobs are to drive you batty - absolutely batty. Sounds like they are performing perfectly!

Oh, and today I am going to shower - it's been four days and I am beyond gross. I'm the one who smells around here.
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterShalet
hehehehehehe "due to argumentative defects".

My children have those, too. One of them is independent, one of them is insecure, they are both unbudgeable.

I have a friend who is parenting three compliant children and one sort-of stubborn one, and I must confess, I sometimes want to stand up and cheer when the non-compliant child tells her mother "no."

It's a phase. He'll be nice to you in phases, too. I promise.
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAccidental Poet
"smells like crotch"?! Oh my god. Too funny!!

Do you know about ebay?? I'll bet you could get enough for him to take yourself and your hubby on a lovely tropical vacation!
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkate
I'll pay regular price for both the woman and the boy, cause I reckon from past photos glimpsed, they're at least cute.

Remember Kate: one success per day is to say a lot more than most. And showers do wonders, too. Have you had one lately? You know, not for cleansing purposes, but to just stand under the hot water and breathe. I seriously dig that.

Oh, and age three, IMO, is for the birds.
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJo
i sense a bit of cabin fever creeping up, no?

the refusal to wipe nose is what makes the sale a tough one for me. what is it about little kids and their hate for tissues?
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAshley
Thanks to the "smella like crotch" line, I am now wiping sticky apple soda off my monitor. You really shoul warn people if you're gonna be that damned funny.

:)
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersuzanne
As I read this I thought, "My goodness, he's finally gone and done it." My poor husband. This ad seriously could be for me and mine right now. Must be in the air, huh?
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLaura
What's with the vomiting on demand thing?? Where do they learn to do that? Mine uses it with his tantrums. I hate it!!

And the chasing him with tissues! GAWD! He would rather use a sleeve, so whenever we go someplace he has dry snail-slime on his left forearm sleeve.

Hugs to you, sister ... and a very restful naptime (if Evan still partakes!)
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commentertanya
Three just blows! I think people who say terrible two's are crazy. I have an almost 2 year old and a 4 1/2 year old. And I can tell you that I plan to enjoy every tantrum that comes from my little one all this year, knowing that all hell is going to break loose when he hits 3.



March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterStaci
Can I offer you a trade: one housebroken nine-month old German Shorthair Pointer, all brown (meaning you'll never see all the mud in his fur until he grinds his back into the beige carpet); excellent jaw structure given his propensity for chewing; healthy appetite for dog food, people food, cardboard, quilt batting, crayons, and half-rotted bird nests; and canine super powers that make it possible for him to squeeze his muscular 70 lbs into a tight, small ball while on the bed by himself. Warning: when joined on said bed by a human, GSP will expand by approximately 300%, with extra-stiff legs and pointy toes.

Will calm down by the time he reaches age 10.

Comes with three equally stir-crazy, rapaciously hungry kids.

Smiles - hang in there! Get some shower therapy when the wee rebels are in bed.

March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMarianne
Smells like crotch--hee hee!!! Last year I posted about putting my little terror on Craig's List. In the FREE category.
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJennie
That sounds like quite a deal.
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAll Adither
We could do a swap. Mine cannot blow her nose at all, choosing instead to store it up and sneeze it out by the handful. It's kinda like vomiting and blowing your nose all at once. The best of both worlds, really. Unlike yours, mine is housebroken BUT must have hand held during all bowel movements preferably while also having a book read to her. Bum and vulva wipes must be provided upon command.
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMad
Sounds like a sweet deal! How much do you want and do you accept cash, check or money order? How about Pay Pal? ;)
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKelly
With the exception of the "vomits at will" I'm right there with ya, Sister! My entire drive to work (sweet, blessed work that allows me AWAY from those heathens) I was lamenting my decision to ever procreate. *sigh*
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterimstell
I never managed to get the hang of nose-blowing - even aged 24, I still can't do it. I lack the muscle. Maybe you could make it a horribly gross game. "You're oozing! Sniff it up, kid! Oh, wait, here's an idea - see if you can fire it out onto this tissue like a cannon!"
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterania
I have the girl version already, but thanks. My noisy chia pet is nearly 4 and I've only seen an increase in arguments, snot snorting and refusal of nourishment. I expect chlorine from pools will help with the stank in a couple of months.

You better sell fast because soon you will also have a professional dodger in public (of course) as well as the limp noodle trick when you finally catch him. That hasn't been a good selling point for me.



March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJennboree
Are you reading my thoughts? Hysterical! I am with you 100%!
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRenovationGirl
Oh you crack me up.
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterShelli
oh i LOVE you all-- ALL of you! seriously -thank God that i am not the only one! :) i can't even be funny right now. this is when we hear ourselves say, "its a damn good thing you are as cute as you are..."
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterheather traub ~ traub tribe
Oh...I needed this! Thanks for the laugh. You are so not alone! Although here? It's air punching, running-on-the-spot temper tantrums, instead of door slamming. Everything else was spot on.
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
You know, my dear-but-exasperating daughter only screeches at me and, while attempting to decipher what the particular screech of the minute means, I long for the time when she can communicate a tad bit more effectively. Until I remember they learn to talk back.

Hope the beer was good!
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAwake
Hell, who needs a shower when there's beer in the fridge! Indeed, you are right on. That was me the other evening. Glad you ended the day on a good night. Now get them off to bed!
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJo
'Smells like crotch.'

Yeah thanks. I just spurted coffee on my keyboard.

And yes, therapeutic alcohol cures all ills. Should be a government sponsored medication.
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKelley
Nothin' barley and hops won't cure...Any specials on the gorgeous little baby-muffin in the stroller?I'll trade you a poop-eating min pin and a couch hugging husband with Montezuma's Revenge for the 3 year-old...
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMNkathy
i have a 2 year old girl if you are interested in a cross-pond swap.... she looks very cute and she's camera trained but sadly, due to an excess of tantrumnal behaviour, i'm going to have to let her go.http://www.flickr.com/photos/nickythomasphotography/2293692541/nickyx
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenternickythomas
My grandpa told my mom when she was little that she didn't need to worry about being kidnapped because whoever tried would bring her back after thirty minutes :) I thought that sounded cruel until I had my own talkative, energetic, exhausting and deceptively cute little boy. (he does blow his nose but he also hides everything from shoes to keys).
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjen
They're pretty bad at three, it gets waaaay better at 5, until puberty.

Then it's hell until they move out. Unless you as the parent drink your way through the teen years...
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAurelia
Damn straight it works. Much better than most other remedies.Glad you are better.
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJuliaKB
I'll trade a 14-year old with that same argumentative defect and a 6-year old whho seems to have his "but why?" button broken. I had a startling epiphany this last year. The older I get, the better my choice in alcohol. It's not because we're so much wiser or snootier, it's because we need the stronger stuff as our children gain on us! Here's to dark lagers!
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterdayatthebeach
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA love it really! isn't 3 grand? (cough choke spit up in my mouth) sorry... terrible 2's ain't got nothin' on the f-ing 3's! i am hoping for some sweet relief in 2 months and 12 days... and if that doesn't come then i am all for the alcohol...
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkristin
great post, that was perfect.leigh
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLeigh Lear
SNAP. I miss all the best sales.

I hope to share a mind numbing beer with you in the future.

xo
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterEve
Ha. I am using those memories of my preteen as a wee toddler to massage my frustration with her drama. Unlike her toddler-arguments, her preteen litigation skills include manipulative emotional bartering, spewing of venemous slander, and if nothing else works, 4 letter words when her mother is not looking. Those toddler years...those were the days!
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterEmily
"smells like crotch"... that's awesome. i was pondering my own three year old's bad breath as he screamed in my face earlier.

i always seem to stumble on your new posts sometime after midnight, and i just love your humor, especially when it's written through the madness that we all seem to share.
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commentercamerashymomma
Ditto.

Ack.
March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKYouell
ha ha ha! My sister always says that happy hour was invented by mothers of young children. With a 23 month old and a six month old, I'm right there with you. Maybe not the vomiting on demand or the crotch smell but the rest sounds about right. Thanks for the laugh and hang in there.
March 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSarah
I soooooooo needed this read this morning. I spent 3 hours from 11:45 to 2:45 this morning listening to my almost 6 month old scream his head off for no apparent reason, only to stop and turn on and off his oceans wonder thingy, blow raspberries, growl, and then start the process of crying all over again. Even after rocking him to sleep, breastfeeding him to sleep etc... several times the lil' bugger was relentless. He thought it was a great time to be awake.... I thought it was a great time to sell him. Hehe. Of course, I wouldn't, but don't think I wasn't thinking about it. It is nice to know there are other half-savage (in my case totally full on rabid savage) Mommas feeling the same thing...

You're priceless!
March 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNerns
'therapeutic alcohol works.' Amen to that. And I agree ... a shower, even if you have to wait until they're all asleep for the night (if this happens in your household) is SO transforming! I'm really enjoying your writing, so much, even if it is heart wrenching at times. I keep on coming back for the bittersweet writing. You need a book deal, seriously.
March 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMolly
mine just started having tantrums -- at 16 months. does that mean he stops sooner or has them longer??!

my paunch is (much) bigger than yours -- finally got that pilates ball inflated btw, but since it scares the heck out of him (well, it *is* bigger then he is), it is not doing much good (yet)... so I think a sale is out of the question... therapeutic alcohol it is...
March 6, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermonika
Gaw....didn't you 3 is the new 13. tee hee I got a good chuckle. Within the last 48 hours, my 1 yr. old has managed to puke on almost every blanket we own. I don't know if my house smells more like puke or dirty diapers. Last night my mantra was Vacation, Vacation, Vacation (the childless kind)
March 6, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersandra
AMEN!! Theraputic alcolhol definitely works!

It is so nice to know I am not the only mom who has wanted to sell my kids. Elizabeth talks back by stomping her feet and hitting me while Thomas talks back by screaming and falling to the floor. Both very lovely to watch let alone hear in public places. They do still love their baths though so we are good in that department.
March 6, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterashley in sc
Sleemans? Are you paying attention?

New target demographic = mothers with young children

Tagline = 'Take two for whatever ales you." (Get it? Ales? This is why I got out of advertising.)
March 6, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjanet
mmm beer...why don't I have any beer in my fridge? oh yeah, I drank it already. carrot sticks for me tonight and a little trip into the kids rooms while they are fast asleep.

thanks for the laugh!
March 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterD'Andrea
katehave you tried the barf bowl? in all seriousness...this beahvior had us stumped and also had us constantly cleaning up vomit - until we used the barf bowl.it rocks.
March 6, 2008 | Unregistered Commentergwendomama
you are too damn witty. it kills me.would you work out a trade instead?i could use some testosterone in this house for a bit, no matter how whiny or snotty.cuz we are bathing in estrogen-induced DRAMA over here.glad you discovered the mama magic of alcohol.and you? gawd, if you are half woman/half rottie, then I'm half women/half monster.love to you. i feel i'm in your shoes in some ways and can totally relate.leigh
March 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMereMortal
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