SexyGirl^TM : "…and, like, this is totally awesome, this book. It's 101 sealed envelopes, and you give one to your boyfriend every day, and he gets to open it and then you have to do whatever's inside. Like this one: 'Take one ice cube and one hot beverage. Put ice cube in mouth and…' "

(Mother #2 says meekly to no one in particular: every day?)

(Mother #6 snorts)

SexyGirl^TM :  "…here’s something, like, super-yummy. It's our exclusive Sambuca Girl lipgloss, and it comes in a cute little case that says DRINK 'TIL HE'S CUTE. Ha. Or there's always our Vanilla Surprise lipgloss, and it says I F*CKED YOUR BOYFRIEND. Ha ha."

(Baby #4 throws up)

(SexyGirl^TM hesitates, mumbles something about birth control)

SexyGirl^TM : "Now, something that's really important to remember when investing in a butt plug is to get one with a wide base, or else you could lose it, which would mean a trip to the emergency room, which would be, well, embarrassing."

(crickets chirping)

SexyGirl^TM : "…and here's the harness. It comes in purple and it's got built-in feathers, and it's for what we like to call 'Bend Over Boyfriend'." (waggles eyebrows meaningfully)

(Baby #7 farts twice)

(Baby #2 reaches, fascinated, for vibrating neon-green dildo with Wiggling Wabbit clitoral stimulator as three of nine mothers lunge simultaneously)

SexyGirl^TM : "Here's our Tingly Turn-On Motion Lotion. You just take a pea-sized amount and put it on your clitoris and it gets either hot or cold, depending on the person. I left some by the sink for all of you to try. I HIGHLY recommend it."

Fifteen minutes later, Mother #4 reappears from routine bathroom visit and feels conspicuous.

After every product SexyGirl^TM surveys the room and says with great authority, "I've tried it, and it's (sigh) AMAZING," or "I can promise you, you won't last long with this…" or "…and after it's rubbed in you can eat it, and it's MINTY."

We all stare blankly at this twenty-two year old with the dumbbell piercing through her tongue that makes her say "PENISHH" and "G-SHHPOT", mystified like we're at the zoo in front of some rare specimen of female except I can't figure out who's in the cage: us or her.

SexyGirl^TM retreats to the next room and as moms take discreet turns at purchasing, the air of collective "Oh Yeah, We Totally, Like, Already Do All This Stuff" is vaccuumed out of the room like WHSSSSSHHHT.

Mother #1:  "I've told him we can have sex, but the shirt stays on. There's NO WAY the shirt comes off. Or the bra. No way."

Mother #2:  "I had sex last night for the first time in four months. It felt weird, but by the time we were done I'd finished my grocery list in my head, and I usually fall asleep too fast to do that. It was great."

Mother #8:  "Before I had a kid I actually thought being milky would be kind of… sexy. Then I accidentally sprayed him in the face and changed my mind."

Mother #4:  "Why can't they make all pants like maternity pants? (room erupts into chorus of agreement) I mean, REALLY?"

Mother #9:  "What I'd like to know is why you can't buy lube in bulk, like at Costco, with a palette and a forklift."

Mother #3:  "When she said 'for two hours', was she for real?"

But then after she'd gone and we'd all unbuttoned our metaphorical flies for comfort one of the moms said, "You know, my husband, he's amazing. He does everything. He loves our baby so much. And he doesn't mind about the hiatus — or at least he says he doesn't. He's so patient. That's how I know we'll be ourselves again someday."

True love = that which transcends the temporary absence of vibrating butt plugs.

+++++++++

Usually, Evan tiptoes into our room in the morning and I open my eyes to see him standing there, nose to nose, whispering "MOMMY, MOMMY, ISSA WAKE-UP TIME!" but this morning I woke to squeals of "EASTOOBUNNY PWESENTS!!!" as he scampered away clutching a frilly, pink shopping bag.

I have never moved so fast before 7 AM.