The view from the other side
A few months back, in the beginning, tofu and I had a kitchen throwdown.
Steeling myself in front of an extremely un-foodish, colourless block that looked like it had been transmogrified by a spaceship replicator accompanied by a wheesh and a beep and a robot voice saying HUMANOID-FOOD-UNIT-AFFIRMATIVE.
Hesitating, knife in hand. I can’t do vegetarian without tofu. Not healthy-vegetarian, anyway, without floating away all blown up on nonstop cheesy beanpower. So I’m gonna cook it and I’m gonna eat it and it’s gonna be DIS-KUSTING.
And no buffer, either. No sauces or marinades or intravenous tastebud bypassing. Just. plain. tofu. Cut into slices, thrown in a pan with sesame oil. Indoctrinating myself on the basest of the base.
If I can’t force myself to eat it simply, this isn’t going to work.
I was turning vegetarian, after all, the sum of my transformation reduced to the following:
meat = gross.
Why, though? Where did this revulsion come from, after 34 happy years spent noshing on sausage with breakfast, bacon on my sandwich and any random yet absolutely necessary slab for supper?
I knew, foggily, that it had something to do with what happened in between the before and the after of meat=gross: losing Liam.
People would say Why would you want to go and do a thing like that? and I would mumble about maybe being a little crazy, about distraction, about needing to exercise some control over my life where so much had been taken away from me.
They’d stare at me blankly and I’d hear the words come out of my mouth and think this isn’t making any sense. So I’d fall back on what I figured was the most obvious evasive action: because it’s better for you.
Oh yeah? they’d reply, bristling.
—Do you feel any better? You don’t look any better. You look the same.
—My grampa lived til he was 95 and he ate meat.
—Vegetarians can’t get it up.
—I only eat meat from animals that were happy. Happy until… well, you know.
—But WHAT ABOUT PROTEIN!?!
—I hardly eat any meat. (burp)
—I only eat meat so rare I have to tell it to quit twitching 'cause I’m hungry. Stick that in your carrot juice and drink it.
—All the vegetarians I know look… weird.
—You’re a pain in the ass.
At this point I’m usually burying my face in the nearest ANYTHING. I’ve never been a symbol before, a walking counterpoint. I really, truly don’t care if you eat meat. Not only do I not care—I don’t mind.
(My only real purpose is to be a pain in the ass.)
So then how did I end up here, alone on this other side? Better schmetter. We believe whatever we need to believe.
++++++++++
One day, driving in the car, I was Jean Luc Picard and Justin was the Borg.
I hit him with the thing about lutein and then blammo! he zaps me with iron. So I stump him with heart disease and he gets me with the classic But-What-About-The-Cavemen bit. And we both feel the way we always do, each of us attacked.
Exhausted, the real reason tripped out.
It’s just… it’s just… we know death. We saw it up close and we smelled it and held him through it. I never want anything to do with it ever again. Not if I can help it. Meat is something that’s died. And if I don’t need to eat it, why would I?
I feel peaceful every time I eat because there’s no carcass. I don’t need it, I don’t miss it. I never want it again. The fact that it is (or isn’t, depending on how tightly you cling) healthier is a bonus. I just want peace. It just feels really, really nice to get the fuck away from death.
Oh, said Justin. Alright.
And then—not a word of a lie—we rounded a corner to find ourselves driving directly behind a half-ton truck loaded with slaughterhouse scraps for a solid two hours. This was in Maine, our beloved Maine, where The Gays can’t marry but your vehicle can OOZE BLOOD.
Kate: Look. I see snouts.
Justin: Ugh. Stop it.
Kate: Do you think that’s legal, a load like that, uncovered? I bet he can’t see out the back. Are those… are those hooves?
Justin: Looks like it might snow.
Kate: Vegetarianism is ten million different kinds of awesome.
Justin: He must have… dogs. Hungry dogs.
Kate: What’s that say on his truck? ACME Hot Dogs?
Justin: Now you’re just being mean.
++++++++++
I can’t get enough of the stuff—and I’ve not even gotten past the straight up.
I feel like the proper Scotsman who, when asked what he’d like with his Scotch, replies scornfully I’d like Scotch with my Scotch, instantly making every other icecube and soda-swishing man in the room check between his legs to see where his balls went.
Six months ago, the notion of me having to moderate my indulgence of tofu cravings would have been about as unlikely as, say, me having to moderate rampant jogging.
But lo! It’s a staple. It makes being vegetarian easy. And so I can count on feeling peaceful, at least in some small way, three times a day.
Or more, depending on the traffic.
sweetsalty kate
70 Comments
Reader Comments (70)
(And I don't like it when people ridicule vegetarians either. Just so you know.)
Your reasons make perfect sense to me. I have no problem seeing your correlation, either. I didn't react that way, but there are PLENTY of other things I have in my life now that are driven by my experience with death.
That's interesting to consider - how intimacy with death changes us in unepected ways, beyond grief. If you check back here L, what's new to you now? Anyone else?
I just had to go back and re-do my grocery order. I'd taken my monthly block of tofu off the order, thinking I'll just never eat it. I still haven't much tried, and I went veggie last June. I will pull out the sesame oil, and give it a go. Thanks for the suggestion. If you've got any more, pleeeeaaaase post 'em here. I'm far too dependent on the cheese, and you'd think I was a triathelete, the way I load up on carbs...bread...mmm....yummy homemade bread!
As for your reason? I get it. My own personal grief experiences never brought me here, but I can see how it could. It's life altering. At least you did something positive for your health and the environment. Not something I can attribute to my grief, and that's a shame.
I have to use the "it's better for you" excuse all the time too - and it is usually during dinner at a friends house, sitting at a table with my friend's friends, where my diet becomes the "hot topic" of the night. Like I really need to discuss killing animals during a meal, as I watch them slop and salivate over a carcass.
Why do people care how another person eats or the motivation behind it? I think that we make them actually *think* about where food comes from. That nicely packaged slab of flesh, all secured on its sterile styrofoam plate and covered protectively in saran wrap, was once, a beautiful cow, or pig, or chicken, or goose, or duck...or horse, if you eat hot dogs.
I think, if you can kill it yourself, then you have the right to eat it. But if you can't even bear the sight of what goes on in a slaughter house, well, you are just as bad as the large corporations that torture these animals.
If they were killed more humanely, and lived more humanely maybe I would feel better about it.
Ha, right, like that is going to happen.
I digress.
CE - you're right - everyone should have the right to eat whatever they want without having to explain why. But sometimes, I think I would have faced less resistance if I had've become a stripper. A joke, but really - I have to explain why I'm doing this constantly. And by even attempting to answer that question, I can't help but provoke the other person... and I really don't care to.
It's been interesting, that's all. Food is so evocative, so packed with memories and culture and family and ritual... it's a very loaded part of life. Meat or no meat, we're all just trying to do the best we can, in accordance with what we believe's important.
Just like when it comes to parenting, I guess.
I'm looking to this post for inspiration as I try so hard to be closer to vegan. Breastfeeding help solidify my feeling that another species milk is insanely gross to drink, at least for adults.
Happy you're feeling so positive and peaceful with your new eating habits- that's wonderful:)
http://www.amazon.ca/Becoming-Vegetarian-Complete-Adopting-Healthy/dp/0470832533/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1202658661&sr=8-1
I'm currently off meat again, and I do not like tofu. So I'm struggling a bit, but still hope to maintain.
My own reasons were never so visceral, just a basic dislike. But they say your body tells you not to like foods that are unhealthy for you - I also hate all seafood and suspect that were I to eat it I'd have a deadly allergic reaction.
So thank you for telling me it is OK to listen to my body and accept my reasoning, however flawed others might view it.
I've been silent around these parts lately, Kate, but I've been silent everywhere else, too. Once again, you moved me to the point where silence was not an option.
You are a pain in the ass, but I love you.
(Just kidding about the pain in the ass bit!)
Let it be said - I do love meat. I don't like to walk into the health food store/"deli" just outside of the park, starving, and my only offering be fake turkey. BUT I also respect what you are doing and say - hey, more power to you. For some reason my husband has an aversion to chick peas and anything that has to do with the stuff - can't even watch Iron Chef if they use them, can't even say the name ... we call it "unmentionables." BTW - this is the first time in years that I have even typed the word - sshhh! So I understand food aversions/convictions. Good luck to you in your venture!
I wonder if that's why I want veg for years after my mother died. I don't remember having any strong "poor widdle cow" feelings-I just stopped.
I still don't eat red meat-never liked it. Trying to wean myself off chicken-at least thinking about it, since every time I eat it, I want to ralph.
But, not eating meat takes time I don't have and fights with the family I don't have the energy for.
We (my family and I) have been on a journey of changing what we put in our bodies and the longer we go without meat, the healthier we feel. My husband would be all kinds of happy if we could also back away from milk but my babies still need that (when the littlest isn't doing nursing gymnastics).
You have to do what is right for YOU. That means something different for everyone. If my husband has a Texas man's craving for a steak burger, I try not to wrinkle my nose and instead sneak some of his fries.
My sister insists on bringing her own processed foods when she visits our "crazy" organic home.
this reminds me so much of a letter a beloved college professor of mine sent out while she battled an awful war with ovarian cancer- she wrote of how she gave up eating meat (this, a lady from the south raised on bbq) during her fight against death- i'll never forget her description of how when she tried to eat meat she could literally taste the fear in the animal before it died. it changed her forever.
i'd love to say we are close to giving up meat. we're not. we try to eat meat that had been raised and killed in a humane and environmentally responsible way, and educate others accordingly. it's hard.
it's just as difficult to find and eat food that has been grown and handled by people who treat the earth and their workers in a just way. we are probably more aware than the average person how connected we are to all the things we consume- and we do our best to pray for any living creature who is connected to our personal food chain, and do our part in improving their standard if living. it's all we can do.
and you know, your rationale makes a lot of sense. i'm glad eating tofu can give you a bit of peace.
and just in general, you rock!
Seriously - what is it about not eating meat that makes people hate on a person so much? People used to send me pictures of SLAUGHTERED COWS IN MEATHOUSES, HOW MESSED UP IS THAT? And it wasn't because I wanted to be healthier, and although I definitely don't like the way chickens are cooped, I didn't feel the need to go personally rescue all of them, and I hadn't gone through any personal trauma. I just didn't want to eat meat.
Anyhoo, because this just got way long - don't eat meat! Eat tofu - its yummy cooked in garlic. And peanut sauce. And with broccoli. And in bbq sauce.
I think your reasoning is...well, as always, beautiful.
now i'm an omnivore again...though i try to be a local omnivore, eating animals raised in humane environments because that DOES matter to me, for whatever reason more than the death factor...and yet, like you, i've come to love tofu. O eats mostly tofu and hummus and beans as protein sources...meat at the sitters, but seldom at home.
who's giving you the flak? i'm curious. i actually got left alone about being veg, for the most part...it was when i lived in Vancouver and Halifax, so perhaps a little easier than where i am now. but for the most part, people didn't challenge. i wonder if that's the difference between ten years ago and now...if society really has swung to such an extent that even the vegetarians seem weirder to people than they did when progressiveness was a little more popular overall.
Ya, it's the superious vegetarians that get me, who demand you cook all sorts of special stuff for them, or who stare and make gross sounding noises like a roommate in college, who now lives in France and scoffs at vegetarians. Once a scoffer :) And some make me laugh, as they actually don't really like vegetables and stick to nachos.
Again, and lovely and beautiful post.
He said that we needed to understand and appreciate the balance of life and the "place" these animals hold in our lives, and to appreciate the sacrifice it entails when we buy our processed meat at the store, sans fur and soul and doleful eyes.
And then my brother, 15 at the time, became a vegetarian and then vegan. It was very spiritual for him in unexpected ways. There are gentle sensibilities and kindness and understanding that is unearthed when we pay attention...stop sleepwalking through life.
I appreciate that you are no longer afforded the luxury of sleepwalking through, jarred awake as you were last summer. I think this is a healthy and important way you have taken back control. I may even have a slab of tofurkey and a soy-tini tonight in your honor, Kate. Cheers!
**I never could eat Molly, btw. I would cry in the spaghetti sauce, and have elaborate dinner parties with far too much steak...while I enjoyed my own spiritual (and temporary) journey through vegetarianism.
I have been a reluctant meat eater. If I could raise and animal and then cook it, like the old days, I would feel at least honest. I eat many vegetarian meals every week but have yet to go meatless. I do the local free range chicken thing via my butcher. But, I hate handling the skin etc... Another reason that I feel dishonest in my meat eating.
I had given up on tofu, until I had some at my sisters. Your post encouraged me at the grocery store today.
Personally, I am disappointed that vegetarians are given a hard time. I don't get it. I am always interested in what Veggies like to eat. I often get new ideas.
Thanks for another thought provoking post.
I really appreciate your decision not to eat anything that's associated with death. I mean, really, what a basic reason. It makes sense.
Oh, also, regarding heart disease? Check out Real Food! Hint: it's not because of cholesterol. I think this book is my new bible.
A couple times a week I just saute some naked tofu, add some cumin seeds, a pinch of minced garlic and a dash of red pepper -- then a big bunch of turnip greens. Serve when the greens wilt. YUM.
Good luck! Tofu and I are BFF too.
Dr. Weil's response seems sensible, and science-rooted. I haven't read Nina Planck, but given the breast cancer rates in Japan (one-fifth of ours, which I'd heard of before), I was curious to find another take on this question.
Thanks for your comment, though - you're not the first one who's brought that up. I just hope Dr. Weil is right, for how much I love the stuff. :)
Though we still eat meat, I always pause for a moment when I'm making up our weekly menu and grocery list. Though I'm not interested in giving meat up completely, I do feel that we could eat much less of it. I applaud you, Kate, for not giving up on tofu and for making a change in your life that's important to you.
Based on the explanation you gave to Justin, I'm curious to know if you've given up leather as well.
And Lisa - I haven't gotten as far as considering leather, only because I don't own much aside from a few pairs of shoes. Somehow, chewing meat is a more urgent issue, harder to escape - but I think of shoes as just.. shoes. But you're right, of course. Hmm.
The part about feeding soy to kids: "One group is particularly vulnerable to soy: babies. Many studies confirm that soy causes hypothyroidism and goiter in babies. Soy formula may stunt growth and disrupt hormones, sexual development, and immunity. The dose of isoflavones in soy-based formula is huge: one thousand times greater than in breast milk. New Zealand, Canada, Ireland, Switzerland, and Britain advise caution in feeding soy to babies. One of the FDA soy experts cited above called soy formula 'a large, uncontrolled, and basically unmonitored human infant experiment'" (Planck 234).
So the distinction seems to be between traditional foods and industrial foods, which is pretty much the thesis for Planck's book. And tofu (especially organic) passes the test, particularly when part of an overall healthy, real-food based diet.
Uh, sorry about the long comment!
And I've always wondered whether that was necessarily a bad thing?
Anyway, just thought I'd share a nice tofu snack I used to eat in Japan.
- silken tofu- soy sauce (I sometimes add a dash of water if it is too salty)- finely chopped ginger- chopped shallots
- combine and eat. Yummy, refreshing and summery!
Also: Moosewood. If you haven't gotten their cookbooks already.
And: I love tofu as a replacement in fajitas. So so good. And tofu with broccoli at Chinese restaurants. Um, love it forever.
I often wonder why people must ask "Why?" I've never found an answer that satisfies these curious meat-eaters. And I don't know why it's socially acceptable to ask a vegetarian to defend his or herself, but I don't go out of my way to ask, for example, a religious person, why they believe in God. I try to be respectful of others' beliefs and lifestyles and it would be great if they could be respectful of mine.
And also, phewph! Great. It also happens to be the clarification I'd hoped to hear. :)
And what Jana said about soy: industrial soy can be god-awful for babies and adults alike, but the small-batch, organic, preferably-made-by-local-elves tofu is wonderful. You can even make it at home: it's super-easy.
DH seems to have adjusted to this too which is nice to see.
So while we aint ready to go all the way yet..we are getting there.
p.s. As a lifelong eater of both tofu and sesame oil (Korean background), I have to admit that the thought of eating them together, without anything else, seems, well... blech. Maybe I should give it a try!
p.p.s. Stopped with the leather a while ago too... Mooshoes.com is a great store for non-leather goods! There's also LeftFeet.ca here in Toronto but his inventory isn't quite as extensive.
As for intimacy with death's longstanding side effects... for myself it is an unwillingness to withhold forgiveness. Though there was no bad blood between my father and I when he died (I was 14), it brought home the lesson of how brief life is. Too short by far to hold a grudge.
Anyway. You inspire me, but you already know that.