View from the cage
I’m sorry. You are not an oblivious asshole. This I know.
That’s just how it seems when I’ve thrown myself down the bottom of the well. Everyone else has it easy, our lives are over, I’ll never again be myself, a part of me has died... yes, that’s true. The part of me that was an oblivious asshole has died. Oblivious, contented, unaware that catastrophic events like this really do happen at 3 AM on a Saturday morning.
People say I’m so sorry for you. And I feel like snapping, take your sorry and stick it. Those are my sons in there, and they’re doing the best they can, and we’ll get through this, and we don’t need your sorry.
Then people say Hang in there! They’re doing the best they can, they’ll get through this. And I feel like snapping, take your optimism and stick it. You don’t know how bad it is. It’s not one grade IV bleed. It’s two, one on each side. There probably aren’t even statistics for that. You didn’t see all the white haze on his ultrasound. It’s like a bomb went off in there, shrapnel everywhere. It’s not going to go away, no matter how much we wish it. It is done.
It was the latter me who found the neonatologist’s blog (and the unfortunate comment, the second of a few of its kind on that thread). I turned off the computer after that but it stayed with me, the last word like a stink that gets stuck in your nose.
Hysteria and sense are oil and water. I’m sorry for snapping, for not leaving anyone anything to say. I wouldn’t know what to say, if I were you. But I will tell you that everything you say is perfect and pure, and we listen to it all, knowing even as we snap that we’re completely witless. You are all warmth.
Look at these boys. All the answers are right there, ordained, filling me with rage and surrender and ridiculous hope.
Later, an update: this post is meant to express how conflicted we are right now, torn between despair and optimism. No matter what you say - whether it's I'm sorry for you or Hang in there - we drink it up gratefully. No flavour of support offends, and there is no right or wrong thing to say.
I just wish we could choose one camp and stick to it. To feel this way, both drawn to faith and abandoned by it, is to feel completely rudderless.
sweetsalty kate
106 Comments
Reader Comments (106)
I will say you have no reason to apologize. It's hard right now to see outside of the hell you're living. Good days, bad days. Different doctors giving your very different information. Just come here to vent and we'll do what we can to pick you back up, dust you off and send you on your way to be the amazing mom you are to your boys.
For now live it one minute, one hour and one day at a time.You can survive this tragedy.
My aunt is a neonatal nurse, and she talks about "her babies" a lot. She has seen her share of horrors and miracles. Miracles do happen, and I'm praying for one for you and Liam. Judging by your posts and this beautiful video, it looks like he's got what it takes to pull one off. Big hug to you.
The video of the boys is gorgeous. I was nursing Atticus as I read your post and played the clip. He looked up and watched, listened. He won't tell me what your boys were saying (some sort of baby code of silence) but I think they were expressing gratitude and wonder of their sweet Mamalove.
They are wonderful, your boys.
Like everyone else, I wish we could take some of your pain and worry for you. The boys are lucky to have such a wonderful, caring mother. I feel so torn right now. I don't want to be optimistic, nor pessimistic. Just tell us what you need, Kate, and you'll get it.
Whether it's to help you break things, scream with you from the highest mountain, or just hug you...I wish I could do SOMETHING to alleviate your worries.
Just know we're pulling for you guys out here in California!
benotafraid.com
it's mostly a prolife group about people who carried babies with terminal or limiting conditions to term. In a few of the stories, the mother was told to abort, the baby would never live, she was putting herself up for more pain.And the babies were totally normal.
I know the docs are telling you he's a vegetable but the video doens't show one. He looks and moves so, so normal. I know the black and white is inrefutable but it's obvious your son is in the grey area that medicine does not want to acknowledge.
He's elastic. He's fighting. He loves his brother. He loves you.
Hang in there.
that i know, and that i'll say.
also, this: there's no need to apologize.
Sending love and support to your family!
and yes, we are all oblivous - feel free to tell us - because you don't have to be nice when you're going through crap - sometimes friends are for listening and letting you vent at us.
You WILL make it. There is no choice. No way out but through. It sucks.Breathe. Know you are loved and being bathed in purelight from all over the world. I am wearing a bracelet for your sons (made by Jason in Indiana) all the way over in Virginia. When you can't take it anymore, swaddle yourself in a blanket in the middle of your bed and cry. Then get up, shower, stretch, hold your son who's home fiercely, breathe. xoxo
Suzanne in DC
Only time will tell what, if any, miracles little Liam will have. He appears to have already had quite a few, small or not.
Most of us have no idea what you're going through. We can't even begin to fathom. So we offer up awkward yet sincere words of encouragement, hope and an attempt at understanding.
Liam and Ben are two of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen. Watching them so close to each other, pulling strength from one another, is magical.
If I got goosebumps and chills watching that, I can only imagine the kaleidoscope of emotions and physical reaction to it that you must feel.
Hope springs watching this.
having a place to speak your secret fears and your rage is necessary, i think, to keeping you as whole and healthy as possible through this terror and uncertainty. don't apologize for using the blog as a place to be honest, or angry, or even to wish that that you got to go back and be oblivious. that much is okay, Kate...the honesty is okay. don't stop. don't worry about offending. putting up those walls wherein you censor your own hurt and fear will hurt you more than us.
we're listening because we want to, and because Ben & Liam have touched us, and you've touched us with your words and the weight of your pain and we'd like to carry some of it, even if it's just by listening. and as i said the other day, by hoping even when the risk of hoping is too high for you to bear.
those two boys are beautiful. beautiful. they make me wistful, and hopeful.
Of course, when I showed her your video - as I am wiping tears off my face and snot on her shirt, she is giggling.. up a storm, as a matter of fact.
JORDIN! What are you laughing about?
"Mommy, can't you see Ben? He's totally chewing on Liam's fingers..."
You see, to my seven year old - and everyone else - they are precious, sweet, wonderful little souls. And, as Jordin clearly points out, already acting like brothers. :-)
Hugs - and lots of mamalove -Rachael :-)
I think it's the most beautiful, truest baby portrait I've ever seen. I love that they are together, face to face, feeling each other's presence and reveling in it.
Pure bliss, I'm sure. Congratulations on your beautiful sons. They have touched so many lives already.
I will never give up hope on Liam. To do that is to deny all that he has done already-and what do we know of such matters, anyways? Only what has happened before; and Liam is brand new. There has never been anyone like him, and therefore he is very capable of rewriting the textbooks.
Godspeed, Liam. Sail your own course. We are with you!
Mary from Chicago
Hugs and love to you Kate and Justin.