oh, Kate. It is hard not to listen to the beast, isn't it? I could never do the pills, for the very reasons you mention. I went IUD. It is keeping the beast fairly well at bay. Give yourself a hug, if I ever met you in person, I would.

I remember hearing those words from a doctor and feeling like it was so unfair.

My entire being was desperate to be with child after losing my daughter and I remember thinking the doctors where being cruel when there were people in the world like Britney Spears getting pregnant 4 months after her c-section and I was told to wait.

I did, reluctantly, and I am still not convinced their timeline for healing made a difference, maybe physically, but certainly not emotionally.

Peace is every step. I'm trying to remember to just step. Just walk. Hard to remember to be here now. Sending my spirit your way, Kate, to help remember to be here now, chains and damage and all.

love to you kate... that's really hard. peace is good, but it's still hard. oh you are doing awesome work and your strength abides even in the shadows.

I had my tubes tied after my daughter was born, more than willingly at the time, but shortly after regretted that decision. Even four years later, even knowing that another child would probably kill me ... I still yearn for another.

My heart goes out to you.

You will find your peace. And only you. No doctors, friends, or otherwise can tell you when.To your beast I say: "Shhhh, shhhh, hush. She will tend to you as she needs..."And I love you, and find that you are not damaged goods, but a vessel of hope who supported love beyond words.

yes just breathe in those 2 beauties of boys and look for liam's light. allow youself to be still in their love. and peace will come.

i have no words for you. only my thoughts and prayers.

I don't think I've commented before, but I read your posts with awe (because you can be so articulate in the midst of such grief). You bring tears to my eyes regularly. (Curse my habit of catching up on blogs at lunch!)

That isn't why I'm commenting, actually. I don't know if you've tried it but you might consider the nuva ring, which is basically a jelly bracelet with time-release hormones baked in which you, um, insert once a month and take out three weeks later - and if you forget to take it out it's okay, because the hormones will have run out by then anyway and you'll be bleeding and that's a good reminder - anyway, a lot easier to manage than trying to take a pill at around the same time every day, when the rest of your life is fraught. Also easier than trying to find a condom when both of you are used to not needing condoms. Might help when the beast's chains start rattling loudly enough to drown out everything else.

We need to let your body heal, and everything else too.

This presumes a lot. And, quite honestly, I'm not sure you ever get the "magic" back.

Do what is right for you. Appreciate the input of everyone else...but do what is right for YOU.

You cannot control the triggers, just your actions. Only you will ever know, and even then, you might not and will need to trust the same wind that carries Liam to you.

We need to let your body heal, and everything else too.

I teared up at this, because it is oh so true. I would imagine that urge, likely as strong as the one to push during labour, is irresistable. But give it some time, give yourself some time, give Liam some time. If nothing else, physically it isn't good to get pregnant so quickly.

Emotionally, it's for you to decide.

Hang in there hun. I'm around if you need a shoulder.

thanks guys. It's not sad, really, just really weird to have this primal sensation after such a mess. I'm new to catastrophe, so it's strange to see how it manifests after-the-fact. And then of course, trying to decipher what's normal and what's not, and what's reaction and what's not.

Anyway, to add: our doctor is heaven, wonderful, the best we could ever ask for. She wasn't giving me a talking-to in any sort of insensitive way... I've been going to her for years, and she was there when Liam and Ben were born, and she just really cares about our family.

Just felt I wanted to add that.

Oh, and Caradb - I'll have to look into that. Sounds like a smart alternative. Thanks for, ahhh, inserting your comment. Ba-dum-dum. :)

On another blog I read, hannahandlily.blogspot.com - she lost her daughter - the author spoke brifely of the same urge and response.

But I second caradb: nuvaring.

Oh, Kate. This entry really hit me today...choice....we all want to fill ourselves sometimes without risk. You doctor is right, but I feel terrible saying that, because I understand you and why. You're healing - it is true, you need to enjoy the fall leaves with your boys and pick seashells...and let that be your healing time for a tiny bit:)Hugs and love to you as always

Ah, Kate, this is a hard place to be in. I've said it before, that on a much smaller, less post-traumatic level, I've been there before. Finn came from that primal urge, and of course, I am thrilled he did so. But I was also ready, and it was a miscarriage, not the same type of loss, as you have endured. Nonetheless, I believe in what you are feeling. It is strong. And whatever you choose to do with it will come from you and Justin, and what is meant to be, will. * I just started the pill on Sunday as an attempt to thwart a vasectomy, for whatever reason, as we are finished. I am not enjoying this little pink wonder, though, already. Perhaps I might ask about the Nuva ring too. I'll have to go look that one up...my best to you...

You can't nurse and take birth control pills can you?

You wouldn't believe how much I'm learning from this blog - from the world's fastest schooner to year-long paternity leaves.

But now I need a little help in the OB/GYN Dept. Thanks.

Betsy - they're low-dose pills especially for breastfeeders, called a 'minipill'. Only catch is you have to be pretty religious about taking them, at the same time every day, and not miss any days or risk the goalie leaving the net in the middle of the game to go get a Tim Horton's donut.

You gave me a good laugh. Glad to be of service!

I'm not sure what to say, Kate. Try to give your heart and body a break. You have not failed as a mother physically or emotionally no matter what your hormones keep telling you. You have nothing to prove... You are beautiful inside and out.

I go back and forth with the new baby thing....thinking "next time my body will do a better job," and knowing we have one embryo in the icebox. Then David goes to Seattle for one week, and I think I'm crazy for even considering another baby yet.

You are in my thoughts.

Much love,ashley

I've never been good about the pill either so I've put IUD in net for the next few years and I'm happy with the job she's doing. (I went with the Mirena variety, sounds pleasant doesn't it?) Hope you find something that works for you.All my best, D'

It's funny how some disappointments can be disguised gifts: I'm a miscarriage-prone girl, and after the last one this summer the doc told me that we'd need to wait SIX MONTHS! before trying again, to ensure hormone levels drop safely. A life sentence, it felt like, after having resolved right there in the tear-soaked ultrasound room that we'd try and get pregnant again on the way to the recovery room following the D & C (give or take).

An amazing thing has happened, though, in this required holding pattern: I've been able to take care of... me. While my little people require as much of me as ever, for the moment it's all about the moment. It's a reasonable distraction to work out vigrourously, check off housey projects, and identify myself as mother to just two, no more for now. If the tinkerer blesses us again, I hope I can say that this wait time has provided me the headspace clearing that was in order - even if I am tempted every morning to let the little pink pill wash down the sink instead of taking it, just to see what would happen.

I am pleased to hear that you have such a concerned and caring doctor. I too recommend an IUD, just so you don't get the temptation too soon.

I too recommend the IUD. It revolutionized birth control for me.No more worry. No more angst. And even when I get weak in the knees and feel my uterus flip when I see my friend's gorgeous sleeping babe, I don't have the option of sabatoging myself into a baby when the timing isn't right.

Hugs to you. And you are not. damaged. goods. You are not. You are precious and brave and wounded and amazing. Hugs to you, beautiful Kate!

if it is punishment, or even redemption, that the chained thing promises, then your doctor is right.

but i do not know, with all respect, if perhaps most of us are not triggered in some way because the universe dared eff with someone. the primal urge comes from a place of dark pull and blood as well as peace and love, i think. and the two, as you know, aren't mutually exclusive.

it has only been just five months. i know well that that is not long, and that there is no rush, and that healing is good. but i can tell you too, that if there were no Ben, you would likely be hearing a different story from doctors by now, or soon. and there IS a Ben, and he is a beautiful gift...and that little soul of Liam's does not necessarily need another entry point - he is with you anyway, and the child to come would likely be himself or herself, entirely different. but...people's notions of propriety are not your heart.

so i say if you can shed the pull for redemption and punishment, and then still long to try again - do.

Nu-Va-Ring! Nu-Va-Ring!

Just a cheerleading for my preferred method of birth control to all the ladies in the house who might be on anti-depressants. Because the Nuvaring contains hormones in lower-but-continuous doses than the pill, and because it's closer to the body parts it, uh, works with, it tends to have less side effects that throw one's brain chemistry (further) out of whack.

I say NUVARING, you say EFFEXOR!NUVARING (Effexor) NUVARING (Effexor)

Although if all else fails, there's always porcupine quill panties... :) BWA HA HA HA

After my miscarriage and the cancer scare that accompanied it, I was strongly warned to not get pregnant for one year. Or else.

It was an excruciating two months of lung xrays and blood draws while my beloved and I hemmed and hawed. He was content to comply with Doctor's Orders, but me? I was angry that my body betrayed me and was continuing to; I was desperate to get pregnant again; I was horrified by my desperation; I was sad, oh so sad; I was disgusted that I was sad when I had so much to be thankful for; and I just wanted to put the whole thing behind me...but you know, the "whole thing" was my baby who would never be, and on top of that, I was facing cancer.

While we hemmed and hawed, I got pregnant. Oh the joy! But oh, the pins and needles I was on during that pregnancy! I had to undergo lots of tests I might otherwise have refused and I worried until the very end that something was wrong, dreadfully wrong. I never, ever relaxed.

But now she is four and a half, and I can't imagine life without her. I can see how God used her to help heal my own wounds. But it wasn't an easy road, and certainly not one I would blithely recommend everyone else follow.

I have no answers, but I do think that it is very normal after a loss to feel an intense longing to be pregnant again. I know I did, and my loss wasn't even on the magnitude of yours.

I wish you peace from the beast.

(I didn't like the nuva-ring at all. Went to the patch and got hella pregnant with the triplets).

I understand what the doctor was trying to say but only you and your husband know what is right.

well, i'm glad the dr. is a caring girl but i'm here putting on my mommy-tone and saying you are never *ever* "damaged goods" because liam will always be the precious gift of liam, always, and you are always his mama as you are to evan and ben. if you are feeling damaged, well, yes, that is a good way to describe grief and the way it pounds against you like the tide, but you, kate, you are not irreparably damaged nor was it your state that caused liam to leave this earth. your broken pieces will still heal into wholeness- different, but still good and useful.

i happen to think that bon is one of the smartest women and mothers and thinkers out there- she is so right on that another child would be their own soul, and not liam's again. i know you didn't mean that, exactly, but i also know we look for people in our children, trying to see the eternal ones in their unmasked innocence, to help us make sense of it all.

i also understand the deep pull that calls us to create after loss- our baby booms after crisis have shown that through history- it is written into our dna, our souls, to bring new life when we lose it unexpectedly or un-naturally. i'm not saying jump and get pg, i think there is wisdom in healing, and in giving yourself time to grieve (12+ months), but i really understand why you are wrestling with this right now.

peace, kate. peace and unending comfort from eternal light and the light that is home with you right now.

After times of intense grief I have felt the desperate driving urge to procreate, procreate, procreate. Regardless of there being a suitable man, or any man, in my life at all. Intellectually removed, I would sneer at and demean my 'illogical' primal compulsions (while if my best friend had confessed to such feelings, I would passionately assure her it was completely natural). As always, thank you for writing so clearly and tenderly on your experience, which I am gratified to at last understand is not my own unique and freakish property.

(Oh, and I had LOTS of luck with an IUD, too.)

Hi, Kate, I e-mailed you a while back and am posting for the first time. Just to put my two cents in: I hated the nuva-ring (gave me yeast infections, oh joy!). I try really hard with the pill but am notoriously forgetful. I don't think there is any easy solution to birth control...I understand that primal need to procreate. After my husband's brother was killed in a car accident, we decided to try for our second, which was Hunter. Hunter who was born at 31 weeks, after I spent three-plus weeks in a hospital bed trying to keep him in as long as possible.It was a very hard time in lots of ways, but one aspect was that my husband barely visited us in the hospital -- something we discussed long and hard later on, and we came to the root of the problem: after losing his brother, he could not bear to lose someone he loved again so soon. Ergo, he was trying hard not to grow attached to Hunter. Hunter just turned 3 today (yes, 3!), and his relationship with his daddy is wonderful.Now, it is my mother-in-law who sees her lost son in all that Hunter does. I like to believe there is a bit of Scott in Hunter Scott (middle name for him), but sometimes it seems like a lot of weight to put on such a little person.I'm kind of rambling, and I certainly don't mean that your next baby would carry that. I guess I'm saying it's so normal to see (and to want to see) those we have lost in those who live. May you and your family find peace in the best possible way for YOU.

Get a Mirena! It's the best thing that ever happened to me, seriously. As Christina put it, it keeps you from having the option of sabotaging yourself, no matter how overwhelming that longing is. You can get it taken out whenever you want with a trip to the doctor, the rates of pregnancy are identical after its removed as they are with women who've never had an IUD, and it's a one-time cost. And you get it removed after 5 years, which (for me) was a great reevaluation point if you haven't had it removed yet. But for those five years, it's almost foolproof. I hate having it, but I love it.

But I, too, understand that longing -- it's physical, isn't it, that warming in the womb? My ds is already a great 5-year-old, and I ache to hold a newborn. But my time's not right.

I wish you the courage and wisdom to know when the time is right again for *you*. Big hugs, Kate.

it is so nice to find a wonderful doctor who cares about you, your family and helping you heal and find peace.

btw - ben is getting so big! i haven't looked at pictures in a while...what gorgeous, gorgeous kids you have.

You logically know that your doctor is right; you should wait. But the decision to make more babies isn't arrived at from a place of logic.

I remember sitting with my mother-in-law, who brought four babies into the world, talking about the fact that I was newly pregnant again with #3 after a miscarriage. She asked about my state of mind and I told her that I couldn't relax and wasn't sure that I would relax until the baby was safely delivered. I made some remark about how, if having babies was logical, I would probably stop at two. She gently replied, "If having babies was a logical decision, we'd probably all only have one."

I love reading your blog, Kate. You have SO many SMART internet friends.

I haven't commented yet either even though I love your blog. I also lost a baby, my son was 7 weeks old & I can relate to this urge completely. I want to add 2 things that hadn't been mentioned:1. nuva ring & some IUD's can mess with your milk supply if you are nursing.2. in the first 6 mo of nursing, esp. if you are cosleeping & doing at least one night feeding--you have less than 1% chance of conceiving. Many will argue that nursing doesn't prevent pregnancy but it is as effective as the pill if its ecological beastfeeding. http://ccli.org/nfp/ebf/summary.php

Its also a bit easier on your mind and body than hormonal options. I'm thinking of you and I agree with somebody else up there who said you'll know the right time.

How touching, raw, emotional.

Thank you for sharing!

What an amazing doctor you have. To be so honest with you, caring for you not just as a patient but as a friend it seems, and woman-to-woman. That is priceless.

I was going to give another vote for the Mirena but I have to admit in my case it did decrease my milk supply so I had to start taking domperidone.

Well, I had a normal pregnancy and delivery with my 3 year old daughter...had a placental abruption with my son...he was 1 lb 6 oz and fought for six months to live. Had my tubes tied as I did not feel that I could go through another pregnancy and after all, I had two children. My son died last week at 18 months and I am still in shock and numb. His little heart just gave out with no warning whatsoever. I wish that I had never had my tubes tied but I also feel that I truly could not go through or what my family was put through again. You must do what is right for you and yours and if another child is what will place your heart and mind at peace, then by all means do it.

I have been reading your posts for quite sometime. I do hope, that some day in the future, you put all your writings into a book and publish it for the world to read. Your posts, make me hug my new baby boy (born the middle of September) even more tightly, and cherish every second with him with the kind of thankfulness I have never felt before in my life. I find myself with calm patience at 3 am in the morning when he has been up all night fussing (something that would have in the past made me quite frazzled), because I think of you, and all that you lost with Liam, but are able to celebrate with Ben. I hope you take comfort in knowing that there are many tiny babies being cherished that much more because their Momma's (or Dada's) stumbled across your beautiful posts. I love him even more, because through your words, I have been given the gift of knowing what there is to lose. Sending all our love to you, your husband, and your 3 beautiful boys.

Not 'damaged', never 'damaged'.

'Wounded', yes. Deeply, in varying stages of healing. Left with a scarred heart instead of a pulsing, sighing child held close.

There is always the feeling that someone is missing. Not hauntingly, these nine years later. Life is full with three, joyful children- two came after Gavin. These two girls, beloved daughters and sisters. Yet, when I found out my last child would not be a son, my heart ached. I never again would carry a man-child in my womb. To prove that I was capable of growing and sustaining a whole, live son.

I remember the desperate, aching feeling of wanting my arms to be full. I will not tell you this feeling ever leaves. It lessens to a gentle pulse. A reminder I would not trade for the world. This pulse of my second child.

You are moving through this battlefield with such grace and eloquence. I know with certainty that you will find your peace.

It's never easy being told no.

I have no experience with the ring - only the IUD which I LOVE (and is obtainable here in Nova S - not sure of the nuva ring?)

I suspect this had less to do with you 'sabotaging' yourself as it was hoping Liam's spirit could find you to be a willing vessel.Peace to you and your family.

oh kate x poor you.... It's such instinct I think.. x

mom to two: I've been thinking of you all day, unable to comment back to you, unsure of what to say. What you wrote conjured up sorrow for you as well as fear, as it would for any mama. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, and I wish peace for you, eventually.. I know it's a long road.

From one preemie mom to another, and from one who has also lost a child, my heart goes out to you.

I feel almost ashamed to say this... but I think one of the reasons I want a fourth child is that my second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. i'm still searching for that little lost soul.

oh, my. i think that babies are gifts of grace. they're given to people who don't necessarily deserve them, and sometimes they're not given to people who do. it's all very hap-hazard and difficult to make sense of, so why try? the heart wants what the heart wants.